Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
