I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize