I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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