I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
