Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
