i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
