That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
