Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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