I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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