Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
