she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
