i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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