My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
