These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
