Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
