well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
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