Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
