3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
