yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
