Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
