I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
