somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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