In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
