he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
