i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
