Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
