Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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