I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
