had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
