you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
