I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
