omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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