just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
we should paint friendship bongs
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
