Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Please, let me fuck your mom
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
