why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
