I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My hand turned me down
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
