i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
