her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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