Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
