the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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