i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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