She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I believe in your delicious
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
