to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
