I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize