God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
