R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
