Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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