I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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