her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it's not cheating when I paid for it
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
