I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
