I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
