my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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