No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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