There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
