I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
