I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize