If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
