PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
