I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
