He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
