I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
