I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
