don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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