I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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